Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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