Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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