I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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