he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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