just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
