I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
