My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
