Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
