dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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