you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
