he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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