There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
