If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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