So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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