Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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