I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
