Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
