Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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