You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh god it's open bar.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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