So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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