8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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