She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
