so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
