My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
