dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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