She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I think people are normalizing furries
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
