he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
