Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
