My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
