my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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