i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
