I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The air was thick with penises
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
