Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
