Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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