I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
