my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
