she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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