alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
