I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
