Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
