I wish I could teleport
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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