Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
