i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
