i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
