i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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