they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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