My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
