every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
