Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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