Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
