This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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